Patong will not apologize. You walk out of the hotel and into a wall of sound — tuk-tuks, bass from competing bars, someone with a microphone outside a ping-pong show — and the honest response is not to pretend this is charming. It is loud and it is relentless and the neon on Bangla Road at eleven at night makes Las Vegas look understated. I say all of this as someone who walked Bangla Road three nights in a row, because there is something about its complete commitment to excess that I found, against my better instincts, kind of magnificent.
The beach itself is the thing that does not get credit. Two kilometres of pale sand curving around a deep blue bay, backed by green hills, with the Andaman laying proper surf on it in the afternoons — that is a serious piece of coastline. In the early morning, before the sun lounger hawkers arrive and before the jet skis start, Patong Beach is actually beautiful. I swam at seven in the morning when it was still empty enough to feel like it was mine, the water warm and clear and the hills catching the light behind me. The beach does not stop being the Andaman just because someone built a Hard Rock Cafe across the road.
The food here is serviceable rather than excellent, with one exception: the wet market on the inland side of the main road, tucked behind the souvenir shops, where the lunch trade is almost entirely locals. I found it on my second day, following a woman carrying a bag of what turned out to be guay teow reua — boat noodles with pork blood and dark broth — and ate two bowls standing at a counter while a ceiling fan moved the air around ineffectually. The stall next to it was selling khao man gai at a price that suggested they had not noticed what their neighbors on the tourist strip were charging.
The hills above Patong are a different proposition entirely. The road that climbs over the ridge toward Kalim and Kamala offers views back across the bay that make the whole town look like a postcard — the density and noise compressed by distance into something scenic. The viewpoint at the top of the hill catches the sunset in a way that stops traffic. Down on the road toward Tri Trang Beach, just south of Patong proper, the crowds thin dramatically and the bay view stays just as good.
When to go: Patong has no bad season for the beach itself, though the sea is roughest from May to October on the west coast. The town is at its most intense from December to February. If you want the beach without the full circus, arrive in late October or November when the high season hasn’t yet peaked.